Usopp is a liar
by New Neon
Summary: Usopp, Luffy and Chopper set off on a doomed quest to discover what's really under Sanji's fringe, gradually dragging the rest of the crew into their quest with them. A response to the one piece kink meme, no pairings.


A/N: this is in response to the one piece kink meme which requests that the crew set out on a doomed quest to discover what's really under that fringe of Sanji's!

Usopp is a liar. This is no surprise to anyone who has known him more than five minutes, except for possibly Chopper. However Usopp does respect the truth, he knows that the truth can change the world, the truth can set you free, and most importantly of all the truth can quench the endless curiosity that he feels about _not knowing_.

What specifically he doesn't know that bothers him is what is under Sanji's fringe. He stares at Sanji as the blissfully ignorant cook goes about serving dinner. Does he even have two eyes? Is he horribly scarred? Is it a mysterious cult thing? HE MUST KNOW!

As always Usopp decides to respond to his lack of knowledge with lies.

"You see," he tells Chopper and Luffy, his captive audience of two.

"Long ago Sanji was fighting a sea king, not that the sea king was as big as the ones that I've fought of course. Anyway, he was fighting this sea king, the battle went on for hours. Then eventually in the streaming rain, his hair slicked back against his head, the king was defeated." Usopp said in his best story telling voice, Chopper and Luffy were rapt with attention as his continued.

"Nature however, was not so easily calmed. The gods struck down a thunderbolt that hit the hideous floating sea king, spraying its insides everywhere!" Usopp continued with a flourish with his hands that was an attempt at conveying projectile blood and guts of sea kings.

"However," he adds causing a gasp from Luffy and Chopper, "the sea king was a female, and pregnant too. The old gods had long ago decreed it a sin to kill such a monster and cursed Sanji for his trespass!"

"What happened? What HAPPENED?" Luffy demanded, bouncing up and down in excitement.

"One of the tiny beasts from inside the beast's stomach flew towards him, sprayed from its mother's womb, and smacked him straight in the head!" Usopp exclaimed, smacking himself in the face for good measure.

"These sea kings were worm-like and fierce with big jaws, but this unborn one wasn't even the size of my fist." Usopp explains holding up his fist to demonstrate.

"The tiny beast latched on to young Sanji's eye socket and ate his eye clean out, burrowing itself into the still warm socket!" Usopp declared in his best creepy voice, causing Luffy and Chopper to wince and gasp in sympathy.

"The Old Gods came down and spoke to him, ordering him that to atone for his sin he was to find All Blue, the migration ground for these great beasts. When he did the sea king living in his skull would unhook itself and swim free once more." Usopp finished with a sage nod.

As gullible as Luffy was, even he raised an eyebrow at this.

"No way… we'd have seen it! You're lying again Usopp!" Luffy laughed loudly, apparently having enjoyed the story nonetheless. Usopp frowned at this.

"Nuh-uh! It's the honest truth! Besides, have you ever seen under that fringe? How do you know it's not there. And besides, sometimes… late at night… you can hear it slithering in his eye socket." Usopp added with a scary voice.

Luffy stared at his nakama, bottom lip quivering before once again bursting out into laughter. Chopper, uncertain of what to believe looked from Usopp to Luffy and back again.

"Okay, fine. I was lying. But I NEED to know what's really under there! We have to find out!" Usopp declared.

"We should ask him to show us!" Luffy exclaimed leaping up only to be pulled back down by Chopper and Usopp.

"No! What if he's really offended or upset?" Chopper squeaked fearfully.

"Yeah! Besides, that spoils all the fun of having a secret investigation!" Usopp grinned, Luffy seemed to consider this for a moment before grinning and declaring that he was in.

Plan number one, Usopp eventually admitted, was not the smartest plan in the world. He'd set up a load of breath dials just under the railing by the galley, he'd then knocked on the galley door and ran away to his super-secret-impenetrable-hiding-place.

Sanji had opened the door curiously and after looking around to find no one there stepped out onto the thin deck that ran outside the galley and above the grass deck below. He looked around before leaning on the railing to look down onto the grass deck below just as Usopp had cunningly planned. The railing triggered the breath dials to fire sending a massive gust of air up at Sanji's face.

Usopp had barely dared to breathe as Sanji's hair flared up above his head, exposing his bare face. Unfortunately the breath dials also threw his tie up into the air, which promptly smacked Sanji in the face, right over where his eye was.

"Oh for- very funny Usopp! I'm going to kill you when I find you for disturbing my cooking for that lame prank!" Sanji shouted to the ship as a whole. Usopp thanked his forethought for a good hiding place so that Sanji had been unable to spot him and kick him off the deck and into the sea immediately.

Plan number two on the other hand was decidedly more brilliant, even if their Captain was sulky about not being included. It was a joint plan by himself and Chopper, the plan was for Usopp to burst into the galley, shoot Sanji in the face with a modified Tabasco star (filled instead with dried jalapeno peppers and their seeds). At that point Chopper would rush forward offering concerned medical assistance, which would of course require Sanji to show his eye to the pair of them.

With wobbly knees Usopp burst into the kitchen and shot his nakama in the face with a yell that was considerably less brave and manly than he had planned. Usopp could see in slow motion as the pellet shot forward as Sanji turned. The pellet hit its mark and exploded right on the bridge of the cook's nose, spraying both of his eyes with its contents. He heard the enraged pained scream as Sanji's hands shot up to his eyes reflexively.

The cook bent forward, cursing and screaming at Usopp, Usopp's mother and anyone who had ever dared to even meet the sharpshooter. He brushed the stinging dust off of his face and out of his hair rapidly before rushing to the sink with his one visible eye scrunched shut and watering profusely. He blindly fumbled for the tap and immediately washed his hands furiously. He was just leaning forward starting to splash clean water in his eyes, only just now daring to touch them at all, when Chopper rushed forward.

"Sanji! Quick, here's an eyebath!" Chopper exclaimed pressing the sterile bottle against Sanji's thigh.

Sanji's hand snatched the bottle from the tiny reindeer and turned towards the two of them. Usopp held his breath in anticipation, now he would finally see Sanji's eye! But Sanji's soaking wet hair was still plastered to his face with a few tiny seeds still stuck to the strands. His one visible eye was red and bulging. But surely he would have to pull that wet hair back to get to his other eye, if indeed he had one at all.

"OUT! BOTH OF YOU! BEFORE I KILL YOU!" Sanji bellowed, raising a leg threateningly. The sensible part of Usopp's brain informed him that Sanji had very little compunctions about kicking him at the best of times, much less when he'd just been shot in the face and his eyes were burning like mad. The more poetic part of Sanji's brain considered that with his one flaming red eye Sanji looked very much like a demon.

After this momentary observation Usopp and Chopper made a very hasty tactical retreat and didn't even dare to try to look in the windows of the galley for fear of being kicked right to the other end of the grand line. That night the pair still got dinner, Sanji couldn't bear to deprive anyone of food, but neither was allowed in the galley to eat.

The next morning after Chopper and Usopp had finished eating breakfast on the deck in the rain Nami came forward to question them. Luffy was with her, his show of solidarity apparently extending as far as sitting in the rain with them but not on missing the chance for breakfast leftovers.

"Why the hell did you shoot poor Sanji in the face? Do you have a death wish?" Nami demanded, hand on hip.

"They had a brilliant plan!" Luffy offered with a big grin. Nami arched a single perfect orange brow at that with a dubious expression on her face at the brilliance of Usopp's plan.

Usopp explained himself and their previous attempt to uncover the mystery of Sanji's eye. He tried also to retell his fantastic sea king tale but Nami told him to 'shut his stupid face' halfway through.

She did however crouch down conspiratorially between Luffy and Usopp and grin deviously.

"I am intrigued by this little mystery, but you three couldn't plan your way out of a wet paper bag. I'll show you how it's done." Nami declared.

Nami's plan it turned out involved a pretty girl. She had declared that conning a pirate was all about knowing their specific weaknesses, she had after all separated pirates from their money for a living up until not so long ago. And really, how much harder could this possibly be?

Nami had arranged for a girl at the market town at the next port they arrived at to do the dirty work for them. Nami had even paid the girl for her part in the plan, perhaps emphasising Nami's true commitment to solving this mystery once and for all.

"Why are we paying some girl to do this anyway? Why can't you just do this? Wouldn't the money be better spent on my bronze statue?" Luffy whined. After Nami had reintroduced Luffy's head to her fist for even daring to mention the damned statue she explained.

"If _I_ were to do it, then he'd know what we were up to! Besides, he might get the wrong idea. AGAIN." Nami replied rolling her eyes and returning to keep watch on the street from the window above the market girl's stall, a perfect viewpoint to see what was really under Sanji's fringe when the plan went flawlessly.

"Oh! Oh! Here he is!" Usopp hissed gleefully as he pointed down the street.

"Get down! Get down!" Nami hissed as they all crouched down in the window to make themselves less visible whilst still getting a good look at their cook.

Sanji strolled happily down the street. Nami had theorised that the contents of the market girl's stall alone would attract Sanji, but if it didn't she'd instructed the market girl to wink seductively at Sanji. Thankfully that measure was not needed as Sanji sauntered over entirely of his own accord to inspect the market girl's wares, and likely the market girl herself.

Trudging behind Sanji was the much put upon Zoro who had apparently been lumbered with the job of dragging the massive shopping cart behind him. He stopped as Sanji investigated the stall and contented himself with pulling faces at Sanji's back. Usopp tried to suppress a snicker at Zoro's impression of Sanji behind Sanji's back, even the market stall girl giggled when Zoro tried to plaster his own hair over his eye and mimed a stupid curly eyebrow.

Sanji turned behind him to look suspiciously at Zoro who lighting-quick had adopted an air of bored contempt and pretended to be looking elsewhere. Eventually, convinced that Zoro hadn't been doing anything, Sanji turned back to flirting with the market stall girl and Usopp caught Zoro poking his tongue out at the cook's back.

The market girl then quickly put Nami's plan into action. The four of them could hear the girl's charming laughter at Sanji's flirting, Usopp suspected that she was even batting her eyelids at him.

"Such a handsome man, I can't believe that you're a real pirate!" The girl cooed leaning forward and stroking Sanji's jaw. Unbeknownst to the four straw hats watching the unfolding scene from behind the window, the market girl's top had slipped slightly as she leant further forward to Sanji over her stall. Her top in fact slipped enough for Sanji to see far more than he should have, and enough for him to confirm that the young lady wasn't wearing a bra, and also that apparently it was a little chilly out.

So when the market girl was just supposed to comment on Sanji's pretty face and how it was a shame for him to keep it covered up and tenderly brush aside his fringe the plan went awry. Instead of being able to tell the straw hats about Sanji's eye she was instead able to tell them precisely how fast blood could spurt out of Sanji's nose and all over her new and admittedly ill-fitting top.

"Oh my god!" Sanji squeaked, holding his nose tightly to stem the flow of blood as he stared mortified at the market girl who was covered in copious amounts of blood spatter. The girl stared down at herself speechless, she looked like she was covered in enough blood to have just committed a murder.

Sanji chose this moment to escape from the market red-faced and horrified at his own behaviour. The straw hats later agreed that no one had ever seen Sanji run that fast.

"So much for your flawless plan Nami." Usopp grumbled over Zoro's incredibly loud laughter from below.

"Shut up." Nami snapped and kicked Usopp in the kidneys as she stood up.

"Still, that was almost worth paying to see." Nami commented as the four of them slipped out of the market girl's building and past Zoro who was by now crying so hard with laughter as to be unable to see them.

The evening was full of Zoro mercilessly teasing Sanji about the incident and retelling it to all present, shortly thereafter the evening was filled with fighting, swearing and sulking on Sanji's part.

Luffy, Usopp, Chopper and Nami on the other hand were still no closer to understanding the mystery of Sanji's mysterious hair and the eye that lay beneath. The four of them lounged by the head of the Sunny, enjoying the brief respite from the earlier rain.

"Perhaps it's a big scar, or a burn. You know how vain he is, he might grow his hair to cover it." Nami mused thoughtfully.

"I still like my sea king theory." Usopp pouted.

"Perhaps it's too sensitive for us to be poking about into, maybe we should just… leave him alone?" Chopper ventured nervously, an idea which was promptly struck down by all present.

"We're his nakama, Chopper! He should be able to tell us everything!" Nami said with wide eyes, false hurt practically oozing from her voice.

"Besides," Luffy added, "this is fun!"

"What's fun?" a deep voice came from behind them. All but Luffy leapt and spun around to see Franky looking down at them curiously.

"Hey Franky! We're solving a mystery!" Luffy blurted out happily.

"Without me? I'm hurt. What's this mystery then?" Franky grinned leaning on the railing.

With a sigh Usopp again explained his quest for knowledge in the form of Sanji's eye and also ventured his sea king theory. Franky at least had more manners than Nami and allowed Usopp to finish before dismissing his story.

"So, I'm guessing that shooting Sanji in the face was part of this dumb plan rather than an elaborate suicide attempt on your part then, bro?" Franky grinned as the events of a few days ago fell into place for him.

"I'm surprised I'm alive to be honest." Usopp winced, it had not been his best plan. Nami and Chopper then recounted their other failed attempts with much laughter on Franky's part. After Franky had stopped laughing he put forward his idea.

"Had you not just considered, you know, waiting until he's asleep and then just taking a look?" Franky pointed out. The straw hats stared at Franky blankly. The shipwright rolled his eyes.

"I realise that simple plans are less fun, but wouldn't you rather find out than risk another plan backfiring and Sanji trying to kill you all? I'm not sure that Usopp could survive another attempt at shooting Sanji in the face." Franky said flatly.

"But what about me?" Nami huffed indignantly.

"What about you?" Franky frowned feeling confused.

"I can't go into the boys' bunkroom! How will I get to see?" Nami insisted. Franky regarded her for a moment to make sure that the navigator was serious before modifying his plan.

"Fine, then. Us four sneak into the bunkroom, cut off Sanji's fringe and get to see what's under there. Then later Nami will be able to see as he won't be able to hide it. Happy?" Franky said with a triumphant grin.

After a few moments of contemplative thought, a slow smile spread across Nami's face.

"I think you just might have something there Franky." She grinned, looking every bit like a cat that has just got the cream.

And so it was late that night after Sanji's breathing had evened out into slow deep breaths interspersed with an occasional light snore that the four male straw hat crew members found themselves leaning over Sanji's hammock with a pair of scissors in hand.

It ended up being Franky himself that with the scissors with Usopp begging off with can't-do-things-which-endanger-my-mortality-disease, Chopper claiming that the Hippocratic oath prevented such behaviour and none of them trusting Luffy with something sharp near _anyone's_ face.

"Won't he be mad?" Chopper whispered in the near darkness, only a small candle at the other end of the room illuminated the bunkroom with enough soft light to see by.

"It's just a haircut, I'm sure that he can make it fashionable or something." Franky said dismissively and looked down at the sleeping cook in the dim light.

The four of them hovered uncertainly by Sanji's hammock as the cook slept soundly.

"Go on then!" Usopp hissed under his breath, nudging Franky with his elbow.

"Okay, okay!" Franky whispered back and reached out to Sanji's face. He swallowed nervously.

His trembling hand hovered above the blonde curtain of hair above Sanji's eye, his other shaking hand held the large scissors. The four boys held their breath as the quiet _shiing_ of the scissors opening rang through the otherwise silent bunkroom.

Suddenly a loud bang made them all freeze in fear for their lives. Rain poured down through the open hatch for a few seconds before a loud thunk sounded from the hatch being slammed shut. A split second later there was a loud thud as Zoro landed next to the four boys.

"Fuck me it's raining like HELL out there!" Zoro exclaimed, roughly flicking his hand through his green hair and getting everyone in the vicinity slightly damper.

The four crewmembers stared in terror at Zoro, none of them daring to look back at Sanji. A small logical part of Usopp's brain reminded him that the only reason that they had all been free to sneak up on Sanji was because Zoro was on watch and, oh yes, his watch finished right about now. Finally Zoro fixed the four trembling crew members with an inquisitive look.

"What're you lot doing anyway?" He asked looking from one to the other and to the large scissors in Franky's shaking hand.

"I was just going to ask the same thing." Sanji said, his voice cold enough to freeze the entire room. Franky found himself just brave enough to turn his head to look down at the cook. Sanji was leaning up in his hammock and looking at the four boys with murder in his one visible ice-blue eye.

Franky, Usopp, Chopper and Luffy found themselves very violently kicked out onto the deck of the Sunny and were able to confirm Zoro's assertion that it was indeed raining like hell out there. The four of them quickly and sheepishly retreated to Franky's workroom which was warm with the ship's boiler in it.

"You completely failed me. I knew that you couldn't do any better than me!" Nami said accusingly to Franky the next morning on the deck of the sunny.

"It would have worked if Zoro hadn't blundered in at the wrong time." Franky said sulkily.

"Poor planners blame other people." Nami sniffed.

Silence fell among the five straw hats, it seemed like they'd never know what was under that fringe of Sanji's.

"I know that you're listening Robin." Nami declared eventually with a sigh of defeat. A few seconds and a few fluttering petals later Robin slinkily walked around the edge of the galley building and towards the five defeated crewmembers.

"I'm burning with curiosity. What on earth _are _you five up to?" Robin asked looking down at her less than well rested looking nakama.

"I want to know too, what are you idiots sneaking about for?" Zoro added as he slid down from the weights room atop one of the Sunny's masts.

"Were you eavesdropping?" Usopp asked the swordsman accusingly. Zoro merely shrugged and folded his arms in wait for an answer.

Usopp once more explained about their quest to uncover the deep mystery of Sanji's fringe, their theories about Sanji's eye and their previous failed attempts.

"Ooh, I do love a mystery. I'd not really considered Sanji's eye before." Robin smiled, tapping her lip with her finger.

"But, perhaps you're all being too round-about in the matter. I find the direct approach more effective." Robin purred, flexing her fingers as an evil look came over her face.

"NO!" Franky yelped, shrinking back from her, "no man deserves that pain! You devil woman!" Franky said pointing an accusing finger at Robin and covering his Speedos with the other hand. Apparently he wasn't quite over the last time when Robin had 'persuaded' him to join the crew.

"You're all idiots. This is the dumbest quest ever." Zoro declared loudly.

At that moment a grumpy looking Sanji emerged from the galley and cast a death-glare in the direction of his nakama. Who, for reasons completely beyond him, seemed to be being especially cruel to him on top of his already bad week.

"HEY SANJI!" Zoro yelled up at the cook. Sanji stopped and leant cautiously against the railing, apparently wary of any more hidden breath dials.

"What?" Sanji said flatly, almost more a statement than a question.

"_What are you doing Zoro?" _Usopp hissed urgently. Zoro ignored him and walked closer to the cook who was still stood on the deck above him.

"What's under your hair?" Zoro asked bluntly.

The other straw hats held their breath, surely such a blatant attempt could never work could it?

Sanji blinked down at Zoro. Or possibly winked, it was hard to tell when Usopp could only see one of Sanji's eyes. GOD that was so infuriating.

"My… hair?" Sanji repeated, almost as if he didn't understand the question.

"The stuff in your face all the time." Zoro elaborated, pointing to his own left eye in case Sanji was a blind moron.

"I know what hair is you stupid marimo, I just don't understand what you mean by 'under it'." Sanji answered as he raised a curious curly eyebrow at the swordsman.

"What's _under_ it?" Zoro repeated as if this explained everything and then elaborated, "They think it's something stupid, or that there's something weird with your face."

Sanji stared back at Zoro like he was a dribbling loon.

"Just pull your stupid hair back." Zoro said exasperatedly rolling his own eyes. Hesitantly Sanji complied, still giving Zoro a strange look.

Usopp and the other crew members sucked in an anticipatory breath and stared.

Sanji's slender fingers reached up and tugged at the hair hanging down over his face, he pulled the shining curtain of blonde hair back revealing… absolutely nothing. Or rather, nothing special, the other half of Sanji's face looked exactly like the half that they'd seen already.

"Wh-what?" Usopp sputtered finally. Sanji tucked his hair behind his ear and extended his strange look to the rest of the crew.

"But- but… WHY have your hair like that if there's nothing under it? No missing eye, no horrific scar, no sea king larvae, no massive tattoo, no NOTHING?" Usopp shouted furiously.

Sanji for a moment mouthed the words 'sea king larvae' with a puzzled expression on his face before answering.

"Why not? It's my hair, plus, it's fashionable. Loads of people have it like this." Sanji answered flatly. It took a few seconds of the crew looking at him blankly before the idea fell into place in Sanji's mind.

"What? You've never seen anyone else with hair like mine?" Sanji blinked, looking completely stunned. As one the crew shook their heads.

"Huh." Sanji eventually said, "Must just be a North Blue thing."

The cook shrugged and lit a cigarette, his hair falling back over his face on its own.

"You could have just _asked_ me you know." Sanji pointed out.

"That's what I said." Zoro grinned smugly.

"Whatever, Marimo." Sanji grunted before heading back into the galley. He grinned at Usopp's muffled shout from below.

"_You suck Sanji! You ruined my mystery!" _the distant voice wailed.

Sanji grinned, he had been considering getting a haircut a few weeks ago, but now he decided that he might just keep this style for the rest of his life.


End file.
